HAUNTED BOWELS AND BOWLS: AMERICA'S GHOST POOP EPIDEMIC

By Erma Ghost, Senior Correspondent

This little piece is me letting the silly goose out of its cage. Inspired by this headline:

HAUNTED BOWELS AND BOWLS: AMERICA'S GHOST POOP EPIDEMIC

By Erma Ghost, Senior Correspondent

April 27, 2025

WATCHER, WV — Have you or someone you loved experienced ghost poops? This reporter has uncovered a disturbing trend sweeping across American bathrooms that experts are calling "the most significant toilet-related crisis since the Great Charmin Shortage of 2020."

You know the scenario all too well: You go to the bathroom, a rumbly tumbly, rip your trousers down, take aim, fire. Hear the splash. Feel the rush of relief come over you. That's right. A pooper's high. But when you wipe – nothing's there. . .

Startled, you stand up and look at the toilet. Your turd is gone. Not even a streak left on the porcelain bowl. What happened? You don't know. You shrug. Say, maybe it slipped out and right down the bowl hole.

Or maybe

It was a ghost poop.

That's right. Your toilet may be haunted.

THE DARK UNDERBELLY OF BATHROOM ECONOMICS

According to industry insiders who spoke on condition of anonymity, due to recent tariffs toilet prices have risen a staggering 666% over the last few months. This unprecedented inflation in the porcelain market has meant that more and more homeowners and landlords have resorted to using the black market to keep their bathrooms running.

"We're seeing perfectly respectable people—doctors, teachers, even plumbers—turning to unregulated sources for their commode needs," said Officer Shat with the WV State Police. It's a perfect storm of desperation and diarrhea."

But what's wrong with that, you say? Saving a little money is a good thing.

What's wrong with it? I'll tell you.

THE GRIM STATISTICS

Do you know how many people die on the toilet every year?

Billions.

Editor's note: The CDC reports that billions do not die on the toilet annually, but Ms. Ghost insists her figures include "metaphorical deaths of dignity that take place on the porcelain thrones."

And just like no one wants to live in a house where someone died, no one wants to drop a load where someone has dropped their mortal coil.

So, toilets from scenes of bathroom tragedy were taken out and replaced. Often taken to your local dump. No pun intended. But thanks to the price of new toilets, nefarious figures have begun retrieving these toilets and reselling them without disclosing the deaths that occurred on them.

THE VANISHING ACT

Local resident Justin Case described his first encounter with the phenomenon: "I was on the job and had a brown snake playing peeky boo with my butt hole. Wells, I ran to the outhouse and let loose my daily deposit of gas station tacos. But then something spooky happened. I didn’t smell nothing. . . And when I wiped. Nothing was there. Just pure white TP."

Case isn't alone. Support groups for ghost poop survivors have sprung up all over Facebook with the largest having over 150,000 members.

Not everyone is a believer, though.

Dr. Ima Skeptic, professor of paranormal bathroom studies at Marshall University, offers a more scientific explanation. "What people are experiencing is a combination of hydrodynamics and fiber intake," she says. "I can assure you that nothing mystical is going on. No matter the troubled pasts of the toilets."

Now, I know what you're gonna say – Erma, why does it matter? If anything, it's saving me thousands of dollars on toilet paper.

You know why it matters! Because what are they doing with our poops? Something weird? Evil? Possibly pervy? You never know, and never knowing is half the battle, I say.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

I'm glad you asked. It shows that you're taking this threat seriously. There are many steps you can take:

1. Contact your congress person and tell them that ghost poops matter to you.

2. Shit in the woods. If it's good enough for bears, it's good enough for us. Plus, you'll return your chakra into balance with nature.

3. Perform a toilet exorcism. Contact your local plumber or priest for details.